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Today...

May. 25th, 2010 | 09:20 am

http://myowndivinity.livejournal.com/98934.html

...is my three year anniversary.

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(no subject)

Apr. 12th, 2010 | 09:53 pm

I'm just gonna say it:

I don't know if Jeremy loves me anymore.

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(no subject)

Feb. 19th, 2010 | 02:00 pm
mood: sadhurt

It hurts because I loved you. And you didn't love me.

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Sarah and Me, Birthday Eve, Facebook

Jan. 28th, 2010 | 10:51 pm

Lita
<3<3
9:40pmSarah
<3<3. happy almost birthday, dear
9:40pmLita
Thank you, love.
9:42pmLita
I just really, really wish Jeremy was going to be home tonight. He doesn't understand girly (or, maybe just my) feelings at all.
9:43pmSarah
where'd he go?
9:43pmLita
Boys' night.

9:43pm
Sarah
hm
9:44pmLita
:/:/
Did I tell you about what happened a little after New Year's?
9:44pmSarah
non
9:45pmLita
My brain starting screaming at me that he didn't love me, and that when he looked at me, he was only seeing another girl in a string of girls. And that when he touched me, he had already touched someone ekse that way.
So when I cou;dn't take it anymore, we were talking in bed.
And we basically had this conversation:
Me: "Did you love them?"
Him: "Who?"
M: Any of them.
H: No.
M: At the time, even?
H: No.
paussssssseeeee
M: Did you sleep with her?
paussssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeee
eeee
H: ...Yes.
And I freaked. And spent most of the night on the sleep, until I got so cold I went numb.
And I know it seems stupid, but I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him for sleeping with her while knowing that I was mad for him.
If I had a time machine, I would -force- him to go back and not-sleep with her.
Because it is breaking me.
And I don't think he quite understands.
I mean,. he wouldn't even look at me the next morning, he was so upset with me. Which doesn't toally male sense, as all I did was bring it up. He's the one who actually did things.
*totally make
9:49pmSarah
what part of it was he upset about?
9:49pmLita
No idea.
Probably about me asking if he slept with her. That's when he got all quiet.
Though he slept like a baby while I was panicking in the living room.
It just... hurts. Because I have given him everything.
And I feel like I haven't really gotten anything emotional from him. Like I... I don't even know.
It just hurts so bad.
9:51pmSarah
did you tell him that?
9:52pmLita
I wrote him a long letter talking about a lot of things, but he said he wasn't going to read it, then it vanished. So I don't know if he read it after I told him that I had to write it, not say it, to avoid hysterics, or if he hid/got rid of it.
9:53pmSarah
how long ago did you give it to him?
9:53pmLita
The day after we talked.
I wrote it right after I woke up.
9:54pmSarah
ask him about it.
9:55pmLita
I don't want to bring it up again.
Because nothing is going to change how much it hurts.
9:56pmSarah
but not talking about it will just drive it deeper into yourself and make it hurt more.
9:56pmLita
I don't thinlk I can hurt more than this.
9:57pmLita
And now my brain has taken to showing me pictures of them.
At his brother's wedding, and dancing, and in bed, and watching movies., and I can't take it.
9:59pmSarah
but if it never gets discussed, he can go on perfectly well pretending like nothing happened and never understanding how you feel and why you feel it.
9:59pmLita
But I don't know how I feel or why I feel it.
It's only her. I klnow he slept with other people, but it's only HER that bothers me.
10:01pmSarah
because he didn't love her and he just went through with all of it anyways?
10:01pmLita
Because he went through it all with her instead of me.
Because while I told him I loved him early in the realtionship, I had loved him even before then.
10:03pmSarah
:/:/
10:04pmSarah
i guess the way i see it. communication is the most important part of a relationship. and you say it hurts that you've given him everything but feel he doesn't give back to you emotionally, not talking about things will only make that worse. because him sleeping with her is an important problem for you. and it wouldn't get talked about.
10:05pmLita
But it's not a problem that can be talked through.
I just feel so dirty around him sometimes.
10:06pmLita
And I feel like it was all my fault. Like, like I wasn't pretty enough, or smart enough, or cool enough, or funny enough, Because if I was, he would have picked me.
10:08pmSarah
it's not your fault he made a stupid decision.
10:09pmLita
What if it is?
I'm addicted to What Ifs.
Like, what if I had picked up the phone that first time he called me and I didn't know it was him?
What if we had danced at Prom?
What if I had asked him out first?
10:11pmSarah
there's absolutely nothing you can do about the past. that's why we're given a future. but dwelling so much in the past doesn't allow you to live that future.
10:11pmLita
I've always dwelt on the past.
I can remember EVERY time someone has hurt me.
Every time someone said something mean.
Or just made a comment that bothered me.
Or anything. Anything at akll.
I remember everything. And most of it hurts.
10:13pmSarah
but what good does it do you to think about it? i remember terrible things that have happened but if you let it consume you, it wins. and all of the good things that happen mean nothing. which is not how life should be lived.
10:13pmLita
I know, but I can't help it.
I feel like my brain is totally seperate from me. And it loves to torment me.
And, oh god, it hurts.
10:15pmSarah
so fight back. live for the good. a smile from a stranger. birthday gifts from someone who loves you. a child falling down. anything.
10:15pmLita
It's so hard.
And I want him here.
10:17pmSarah
yes. it's hard. that's the point. if it were easy then life would be meaningless. no one would try. no one would get anywhere. but it's always possible to overcome it.
10:18pmLita
I feel like I've never overcome anything. And his past.our past will always be there. And I can't remember anything of what I was going to say.
10:19pmSarah
so do it. when you win, life will hurt less. that's something to strive for.
10:20pmLita
I just feel like second best. Like a consolation prize. And I know it's foolish, but it's how I feel. And there's nothing that he or I can do to change that, because I really was second choice. Maybe not second best, but I will always have been second choice.
10:22pmLita
And he -slept- with her. While I was locked in my bedroom binging and marking myself up with pen just to keep knives away from my skin. While I wanted to die.
I used to go out and swing late at night and just wish that I could swing so high that I would be gone. Because maybe you can't hurt in space.
10:25pmLita
And in the same bed I lost my virginity in. Like it means nothing.
10:27pmSarah
i'm sorry, dear. i'm sorry that it hurts and i'm sorry that i can't take the pain away. but the past means nothing. it's cruel and unrelenting, but it's a means to an end. the point where you end up is the only thing that matters.
10:28pmLita
And apparently this is where I've ended up so far.
Obsessive, compulsive, sick, stressed, and totally alone.
10:29pmSarah
so, like i said before, do something about it. small steps. a new means to something better. something bearable.

10:29pmLita
Such as?
Because right now, all I can think of is how cold it is.
And how cold the lake would be.
And how quickly I would go numb.
And maybe it wouldn't hurt at all.
10:31pmSarah
when you think of something bad. think of something that makes you smile. not just a smile. the kind of smile where at that second in existence, you were happy. like friends driving two hours to jump out of a box for a birthday party.
10:31pmLita
:):)
And driving two hours to be "clowns."
10:32pmSarah
yes.
things like that.
10:32pmLita
The problem is that for me, all of my memories are linked in weird ways.
So nothing is 100% happy.
10:32pmSarah
then get as close as you can.
it's something.
something is so much more than nothing can ever be.
10:33pmLita
I just need him to care.
And so often, it feels like he doesn't.
10:33pmSarah
tell him how you feel.
10:33pmLita
I try.
10:34pmLita
But it hurts me a lot that he doesn't kiss me anymore. Or hold my hand. And that we don't just sot around watching movies anymore. It's always me trying to kiss him (and then only a quick peck if anything)or watching a movie, while he is out with the guys or playing video games.
And we rarely go out to eat.
And I don't get flowers anymore.'And it's been forever since we just went out driving.
It's like I'm there like the couch is there.
10:35pmSarah
tell him that. exactly what you just told me.

10:35pmLita
I try.
I don't think he understands how much it bothers n me though. Any of it. Anything.
Because it doesn't matter to him.
Because his only emotion is annoyance.
And I can't take not feeling loved.
Or, possibly, not being loved.
10:38pmLita
You know, he told me when we were fighting/talking that it was different with me.
And when I asked how so, all he could think of to say is that I'm not clingy.
That's it.
That's our relationship.
He likes that I'm not clingy, and I've loved him for nearly four years.
That is not balanced.
10:40pmSarah
no, it's not.
10:42pmSarah
i'm sorry, dear, but i have to get to sleep soon. something has been wrong with me the last couple days and i just can't ever stay awake.
10:42pmLita
That's okay.
Thank you.
10:44pmSarah
just think of good things. find them. burn the bad memories to get to the ones worth fighting for. and fight to make more of those from the world around you. there really are good things out there.
10:45pmSarah
and this is optimism from someone who just cried her eyes out all day because she lost the one person whom she truly loved and will never get him back.
so anything is possible.
10:46pmLita
I'm sorry.
10:47pmSarah
goodnight dear. <3<3. i love you. and please sleep well.
10:48pmLita
I'll try. <3

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Good and Bad Day

Sep. 1st, 2009 | 03:44 pm
mood: crushedcrushed

Today was both a good and a bad day. It started off good, despite the fact that I woke up at 7am and Jeremy didn't get up until 10:30. But whatever. That's pretty normal. We sat around, watched TV, ate chocolate.

Then we biked up to campus so I could get my textbooks. I grab my art history one and walk to the Honors books and... see none of mine. Except for a "writing manual" which I don't plan on buying, but from the looks of it, was "required" for nearly every Honors class. So, the cards are up saying that these shelves are supposed to have the books I need, but nothing's there. And as Honors classes are always small, I didn't believe that they could be sold out. So Jeremy and I went to the desk and I asked. Apparently the books were ordered very recently, so they haven't come in yet. But the guy at the desk had some copies of one he said they had in backstock, so I took one. And he looked up the others and said that an English class was using one, so he walked with me to that area and gave me a copy of the book from that shelf. (And took a few to put in the Honors area." The other book will be in in a week or so, but I know I won't need it until later in the semester.

After I paid, Courtney came into the bookstore, so Jeremy and I were talking to her for a while. Then Paul came in. Then Jeremy and I left.

We got back to the apartment and he checked his school e-mail. In it was an e-mail sent out to the digital arts/DIVAS students about the student board of Peck School of the Arts. Apparently they're trying to get all sorts of new things, including a green screen.

I went nuts.

I hate PSoA. A lot. And, as a generalization, I hate art students. UWM caters totally to them, giving them art fairs and chances to sell their stuff. They have tons of buildings and studios and galleries and buildings and computer labs that are open 24 hours a day. They have hand scanners to get into the buildings. They have lounges. They get everything.

Curtin, where the foreign language and English classes are (meaning, my classes) doesn't even have wide enough hallways to walk two people across. Our projecters don't work. The stairways are narrow and steep. There are no places to sit, so you end up sitting on the tiny heaters in the hallway while waiting for your class. And the bathrooms are always a mess and covered in graffiti.

So I freaked out. Jeremy just started teasing me.

But what got me is when he said, "Art is important." I said it wasn't as important as teachers, and he just started making fun of teachers. As that's what I plan on doing after I graduate, I got angry. And threw the TV remote at him. He picked it up and set it on the futon, so I threw it at him again.

He got pissed, grabbed his backpack for boy's night, swore, and stormed out, slamming the apartment door behind him. I, of course, broke into tears and minor hysterics. He came back in since he forgot his keys, picked them up off the coffee table, looked at me, and left again, slamming the door again.

Bad day.

And since he works tomorrow morning, he probably won't come home tonight. And I know that I'll be spending the night crying. And then waking up early to catch the bus to my first class.

Ugh.

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Renaissance Faire

Aug. 28th, 2009 | 06:52 pm

 Tomorrow Jeremy and I are going to the Bristol Renaissance Faire. And I am trying to scavenge together a costume. That is all.

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Nerdiness

Aug. 15th, 2009 | 06:18 pm
mood: sadsad

 A while back, I was talking to my mom, and she said I should look into being an RA or a TA for WCATY. And I just cried. Because as mentally and emotionally unstable as I am, going back would only make me worse. It would crush me. Because it's changed, the world has changed.

See, first year, we were all so happy and young and optimistic. And second year, we were all caught up in our personal dramas. And while we didn't get outside of our group much, we did throw ourselves into the camp experience.

But Last Year (my last year) was so different. The sort of people there were changing. The staff was changing. Camp wasn't a magical place where everything was happy and good and the world was in balance anymore. We tried so hard to keep it together, but we failed.

You may not believe it. But that's why none of us talk to each other as much as we used to.

I'm very glad I didn't go last summer. And I never want to go again.

I will hold the memories very dear. They may not all be correct, as I know my mind has warped them to make them seem all pleasant, but I adore them.

I am sorry.

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Gone.

Aug. 15th, 2009 | 06:13 pm

I've bee gone. I just can't seem to keep myself here. I'm sorry.

I've been going through things.
My ex-step-father contacted me after 11 years.
I'm working on photography.
I'm learning who I am.

I am sorry.

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The Past

Jul. 10th, 2009 | 09:31 pm

 I was reading my old blog just now. On Sunday, July 30, 2006, K-vit asked Jeremy if he liked me. And he avoided the question.
And about an hour ago I discovered that the forum that was my introduction into the rp world still exists, though it's empty. I'm just sad that the posts are too old to still be shown, as I was involved with real sweet stuff. Ahh, good times. It's like having a relationship. For geeks.

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn’t make sense. NO CHEATING!

1. How are you feeling today?
Carry On Dancing

2. Will you get far in life?
Stuttering

3. How do your friends see you?
Only

4. Will you get married?
Leave the Pieces When You Go

5. What is your best friend's theme song?
To the Moon & Back

6. What is the story of your life?
Out Tonight

7. What was high school like?
Landing in London

8. How can you get ahead in life?
Sanctuary

9. What is the best thing about your friends?
On The Radio

10. What is in store for this weekend?
Chelovechki

11. To describe your grandparents?
Obezyanka Nol

12. How is your life going?
The Call

13. What song will they play at your funeral?
Make This Go On Forever

14. How does the world see you?
Pavlov's Daughter

15. Will you have a happy life?
Here We Go Again

16. What do your friends really think of you?
Bak Against The Wall

17. Do people secretly lust after you?
Craving (I Only Want What I Can't Have)

18. How can I make myself happy?
Music Is My Hot, Hot Sex

19. What should you do with your life?
Violet

20. Will you ever have children?
Into The Ocean

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Um. Hello?

Nov. 25th, 2008 | 08:11 pm

I'm not dead.

You can keep up with my daily life here: litasphotoaday.deviantart.com

Someone. Please call me. I'm lonely.

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